The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a change. Unfortunately, this is what many of us do in relationships. We repeat the same routine time after time and expect the outcome in our relationships to be different. Each time we wind up feeling like things could be better, it’s better than being single, or a number of other excuses for why we are settling on this one individual. Well, until we change the pattern of settling, nothing will change. You are living in insanity.
Take a look at yourself. You’re the one in the drivers seat. You do not have to stay in this relationship, you are choosing to. Why you are choosing to? Maybe it’s because you feel this is the best you can do? It is because it’s your best option right now? If this is what you’re choosing and you know something is better out there, look at the way you view yourself. I once had a supervisor tell me, “Who we date says more about us than it does about them.” In the recent movie, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, this question is addressed so simply and beautifully between two of the characters:
Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?
Bill: We accept the love we think we deserve.
Charlie: Can we make them know they deserve more?
Bill: We can try.
The simple answer is, we date who we think we deserve and if you feel like you deserve someone who treats you poorly, then it’s a matter of learning to like yourself enough to make a change. Not settling, not worrying about what ifs, and not being afraid to stand up for yourself.
-Facebook was started in February 2004 by Harvard dropout Mark Zuckerberg and he is now worth 1.5 billion. So much for an Ivy leage education.
-Over 5 billion minutes are spent, or wasted, each day around the planet on Facebook. It is only wasted if it wasn’t productively stalking someone.
-Facebook is a low security website so you should never use the same password as you do for other things. Looks like I need to make some changes.
-People who have over 4,000 friends may have their account shut down with no explanation. Why? It’s a mystery. But really, no one knows that many people.
-You can change your language preference. My personal favorite is English Pirate. ARRGHHHH
-Psychologists have introduced a new disorder, Facebook Addiction Disorder (FAD). I don’t think that piece of trivia is very credible.
-Facebook employs over 850 people. Comes with the perks of catered meals and 4 weeks vacation and 8 company holidays.
-70% of Facebook users are outside the United States. But not Syria, it’s banned there.
-People who use Facebook mobile are 50% more active than the non-mobile users. I am very glad I am not mobile activated. That may make me even creepier.
Remember that time when you were a teenager and your parents wanted to know everything; who you were with, where you were going, if parents were going to be there, how long you would be gone, what you ate, how many words you type a minute? They had good intentions, but the questions were non-stop. You survived that, barely. Well, it can feel similar to that now but you’re not 16 and it’s not your parents being overly concerned, it’s your partner. And it’s 1000x worse.
First, distinguish if it is a matter or control or if it’s grounded in good intentions that are a lot too much? It may even be difficult to tell. If you’ve ever seen The Hangover (I hope so!), Stu’s girlfriend, Melissa, is classic control example. She breaths down his neck and he has to lie about anything that might rock the boat. If you fall into that camp, it’s not just smothering it’s power and control and you want no part of that. If you’re still not sure, the best gauge is if your friends have made comments about it…or if you don’t really have your own friends anymore. Move on.
So, it’s not Stu’s girlfriend bad, but it’s pretty irritating and you can tell they have good intentions but it’s a little much and it’s driving you away. TALK ABOUT IT. Not an easy conversation to bring up, but it is easier than a break up conversation. They won’t know something is wrong unless you tell them. How do you tell them? That’s a million dollar question. I can’t really tell you what to say but I can give you some tips:
- Be direct: Sugar coating it might make it more sensitive, but it also makes it more confusing.
- Be concise: No need to be verbose. Shorter the better and, again, less confusion.
- Give examples: If you don’t cite anything they won’t know what it is they are doing and what you are asking for them to change.
- Provide some alternatives: The other person may feel attacked and get defensive and be sure they know you know it’s coming from a good place by providing some solutions that would please both of you.
It’s not an easy convo to initiate, but I encourage you to do it if the person is someone you care about and value.
-Wild and domesticated pigs are found on every continent but Antarctica. China is #1.
-The average sow (female pig) gives birth to 8-12 babies. Octamom watch out.
-The average porker eats 5 pounds of feed of day. That equals close to 1 ton a year. Blubbery.
-Pigs don’t have any sweat glands therefore they do not sweat. They keep cool by wallowing in mud. I like wallowing in mud.
-Big Bill, a 5-foot high, 9-foot long Poland China hog, who weighed in at 2,552 pounds is the largest hog on record
-A pig is rated the 4th most intelligent creature (following humans, apes, and dolphins)
-When is a pig a hog? When it reaches 250 pounds.
-NYC once had pigs. Wall Street was named because it ran along the road where farmers built a wall to keep the pigs from straying.
-If you want to out run a pig be sure you can run 7 mph.
-Famous piggies: Miss Piggy, Three Little Pigs, Babe, Porky Pig, Hamm (from Toy Story), and Piglet!
What books or resources would you recommend for women that are looking to create long lasting fulfilling relationships?
- Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- For Women Only, Revised and Updated Edition: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, by Shaunti Christine
- How to get a Date Worth Keeping by Henry Cloud
- How to Meet a Man without Trying: Exceptional Dating Advice for Women by Suzanne Miles
- He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Turth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (There’s a movie, too)
- Some people may knock them, but dating websites are blowing up. Especially those that have lengthy interest and personality inventories have great success for some people.
- And I must put in a plug for Tinder. Think what you will, but that’s where I met my husband. #swipedright #noregrets
Of course, some people will find certain resources helpful and others not as much, but it’s worth a look! If there is anything you find particularly helpful let me know! Always looking for great resources!
I returned earlier this week from the last of my travels this summer to find my car infested with nasty ants. I ran my car through the car wash, hosed it down, sprayed Raid ant killer, and took it back through another car wash. I feel like my efforts were pretty successful and have only seen one ant since. However, after much investigation I learned that ants are rather resistant and even though I got rid of them, many of them probably survived the car washes.
-Myrmecophobia is the fear of ants. I don’t have that but I don’t like them.
-Ants have the largest brain and in the animal kingdom relative to its size. They can also lift 50X their weight and pull 30X their weight. True gladiators.
-Ants yawn and will stretch before beginning their day. Never witnessed this, nor do I care to.
-It’s really hard to drown an ant because these resilient little bugs have extremely tiny breathing tubes which water can’t penetrate. Good to know.
-Some ants like to raid nests of other ants and take the workers as slaves.
-Ants have two stomachs, one for them and one to feed others. So I guess they regurgitate their food like a mommy bird.
-Some queen ants lick the eggs to make them hatch.
-The Hormiga culona (ants with the big butt) has been a delicacy in Columbia for centuries. Typically they are roasted in salt and eaten as a snack. Sounds like popcorn.
-An ant can survive for up to 2 weeks underwater. Someone should get an ant farm and try that.
-Ants are the longest living insect and they are mentioned twice in The Bible.
-Workers, on the average, live about one year. Some species may even last 5 years, but most amazing is the Queen can live for 20 years.
-Ants are everywhere. EVERYWHERE
What would your top 3 tips be for women who feel like they are doing all the work in the relationship or don’t know where they stand in their relationship or they are not getting the kind of commitment from their partner?
Every relationship is going to have it’s ups and downs, but also remember a relationship is a two way street. If you feel like you are putting all the work into it, there is something that is off and either needs to get fixed immediately or you need to hop on out. Three tips for those of you who are in that situation would include:
- Have a little bit of patience with him. Is there a reason he has pulled back? Is work going well? Is he under family stress? Did he experience something out of the ordinary that has shaken him up a bit? If so, give him some time and allow him to heal or seek help to move past this stumbling block. Figure out how you can come alongside him and support him in the way that is best for him. What would work for you may not be what works for him.
- Talk to him. A relationship is based on communication. If you’re not letting him know your needs he won’t be able to provide you what you’re expecting. He’s not a mind reader, even though that would be what every woman wants.
- Let it go. If you’ve done your part, you’ve talked to him, laid it out, and he’s still not getting it, it’s going to take a lot more than your patience for him to get things sorted out. You also don’t want to wait around for him if you’re sure of what you’re looking for. This won’t be the easy thing to do, but sometimes it takes losing something great to realize what was there. That may be the case for him, and if it’s not there are other men out there that can provide you with emotional support and commitment.
Yesterday I hopped an American Coach bus west to the exit before Alabama. I got off and the bus continued down I-20. The bus dropped me at a Waffle House and since I didn’t have my wallet, or anything except a backpack with a notebook, I didn’t get anything to eat. However, it did get me thinking that in all the emails I have written, not one has been about the Waffle House establishment. And in case you’re wondering, I was picked up there by someone (I knew) and they brought me back to Atlanta. I will meet back up with the buses on Sunday in San Diego.
Another common question we frequently get asked from our readers is when they should talk about marriage in a relationship. Some of our subscribers would like to get married soon, start a family and are quite wary of a ticking biological clock. For them, time is crucial and they don’t want to waste their time with the wrong men. Some men when asked about marriage respond “Maybe, some day I want to get married” or “Yes, I want to get married some day in the future.” Women are not quite sure whether they should wait or if they should move on when they hear this response.
What would your advice be for women in this situation?
Marriage and a family is something many people desire, not just women. While women are often more forthcoming with that information, men know what they are looking for and if they want to get married. Obviously, it’s not something to dive into the first few dates, but probably in the first couple months it’s a good idea to be sure you are in fact on the same “Life Page.”
There are opportunities the first couple months where you can slide subtle questions in to find out where he lies on the topics of marriage and children. If he’s talking about his niece or nephew, you can say something as simple as, “I love kids. Do you want children one day?” Gives him a chance to reveal something but in a non-confrontational way. Or marriage, which is trickier, but it’s not hard to find something wedding or marriage related and slide an unassuming question in the conversation. No need to harp on his response, if he’s worth keeping around you can do that later. And if those innocuous questions freak him out, he’s probably not on your page.
For the sake of keeping it simple, if he doesn’t know what he wants or thinks “maybe eventually down the road”, and that’s not lining up with you, cut bait and get out. It’s nothing against you, but if you were “the one” for him he wouldn’t be wishy-washy. He’d be ready to give you some pretty firm answers. It might not mean marriage in the next month, but you at least know you desire the same things. If you wait around you are just spinning your wheels on a guy who is indecisive and not committing to you. There are men out there (lots of them) who want to get married and have families, and if you stick around Joe Shmo you’re missing out on someone who wants to settle down and share a life with you.